I Blame Hannah
by scarfganini
Summary: series of drabbles. explanations inside. includes Gaara and a Kitten, a fair bit of Akatsuki nonsense, a large pair of earrings , Hidan/Ino, and several other bizarre pairings. hopefully you find them humorous. :3
1. Gasp! save the kitten from the tour bus!

This is for Hannah. All explanations will be at the end. Here's your fanfiction.

Oh yeah- disclaimer, I don't even own the idea for this one.

--------I started a new house. And it's called awesome. I started a new house. It's called awesome. I started a new house, and it's called awesoooome...----------

And now for something completely different.

Temari sat at the kitchen table, filling in bubbles she'd drawn on the newspaper without thinking about it. And wondering how best to set fire to the crossword puzzle she couldn't figure out.

"Jiggery pokery!" said Temari in a fierce voice. "Hocus Pocus- squiggly wiggly..."

"What are you doing?"

Temari paid dearly for her moment of fun. As neither Gaara nor the newspaper was in any way hurt, Kankurou knew she hadn't really done magic, but he still yelled at her for making absurd Harry Potter references that don't really make sense. So she reminded him that he wasn't supposed to be in this scene, and he apologized, gave her one last warning, and stepped out to let the fanfiction continue the way it was supposed to.

"I said, what are you doing?"

Temari snapped out of her reverie with a start- Gaara was standing by the kitchen door, having just come in and found her doodling mindlessly on the newspaper. And muttering angrily to it. "I..." she tore the paper in half and threw it over her shoulder. "Nothing"

"I'm not picking that up."

"I'll make Kankurou pick it up."

Gaara just shrugged. (Having no objection.) "Have you seen Cookies and Cream?"

"Why, is she missing?"

"Not necessarily. She could be hiding up the chimney again."

"How does she even get _up_ there?"

"Seeing Kankurou fresh out of the shower will do that to you." Gaara wrinkled his nose, and moved on. "So, you haven't seen her?"

"Not since..." she trailed off.

Gaara blinked menacingly. (I love how he can do that.) "Not since...?"

"Sorry, I promised I wouldn't tell you."

"Who did you promise."

"Kankurou."

"And you're going to tell me now."

"Fine. I haven't seen Cookies since yesterday, when Kankurou was testing a new pattern of face paint on her. You know she hates that."

Gaara muttered an exasperated curse. "She'll have run off. Ok, Temari, I'll be back whenever." He turned to leave the kitchen.

"You'd better be back by six!" She yelled after him. "We're eating dinner as a family tonight, ok? I know how you like to disappear for hours on end!"

"No promises," Gaara yelled back, from the front door, and closed it immediately afterwards so she couldn't retaliate. He'd be back on time anyways, but she didn't need to know that.

Down the street... his ears were tuned to the tell tale mewing of the kitten Temari had bought for him on a trip to Konoha. He turned down another street. It was a route he took often, where his feet carried him when he wasn't thinking about it- everyone has one. It didn't matter where he went now, as long as he was somewhere other than where he'd already searched. Cookies couldn't have gotten far...

Another turn.

A fork in the road, to the left.

A park- walk straight through, come out on the other side.

Not a single familiar meow.

She'd turn up eventually.

...Right.

He walked a bit faster.

A crowded street, by the statue of Bodrod the Bearded, was around the next corner.

"Gasp!" Exclaimed a random passerbyer, who happened to nod like a penguin. "A kitten! _Someone save it from the rampaging tour bus!_"

Gaara's head snapped towards the generic citizen's distress cry, and this reminds me ridiculously of one of those scenes where the citizen screams and the superhero says, 'Good Gourd, sidekick-person! That sounds like a cry of distress! This looks like a job for"- and he rips open the front of his suit to reveal colorful spandex of some sort –"Kazekage-man!"

Of course, that's not what happened, but my mind works in strange ways.

So.

Gaara's head snapped towards where the call had come from, and flicked in an instant towards the road. Rampaging tour bus? Check. Small, distressed black and white kitten? Damn.

It took all of two second for the cork of his gourd to pop out and fall to the ground, and for a small torrent of sand to flood out of said gourd and towards the disaster waiting to happen. Portioning a handful of sand off from the original flow, he scooped up Cookies and Cream and brought her back to the safety of the top of his head. Which was where she liked to be, oddly enough. She was a head cat. The rest of the sand he used to halt the bus in its tracks, so it wouldn't run over anyone else's pet, or anyone, really. There was a general cry of, 'hooray!' from the crowd, and Gaara began to wonder if they were going to make a big deal about it.

And if they were, where was the nearest rock he could hide under.

Cookies and Cream mewed from the top of his head.

A smile. "No need to thank me," he said, playing the part. "It's my job." He turned, to head home. To hell with heroic publicity, he had a cat on his head.

--------- Good gourd, sidekick-person! That sounds like a cry of distress! ----------

This is the first of many drabbles you may be reading, if you chose to continue.

You see, my friend Hannah (who can be found on ff. net as Lumos Solaria) decided it would be fun to assign me one prompt per week until sometime in... January...

The majority of the prompts are Naruto related, hence the fact that this is classified as 'Naruto'. When there's a prompt that isn't Naruto related, I will post it separately, so those of you who don't read death note or Harry Potter or something won't be offended. I will tell you when I post one separately, just in case any of you have brain damage and decide you love my work.

although I'm sorry, there will probably be references to Harry Potter scattered through this whole thing, so you may want to be familiar with these books.

There'll be a post about every week, I think.

Each chapter will be titled after the prompt Hannah wrote for me, so you can know how it related.

And because this is such a lame and serious sort of author's note, here's something lighter.

I think Kankurou is batman.


	2. notice

this isn't really a chapter.

but as the next week rolled around, so did the next short story- but it didn't turn out Naruto related, so I can't very well post it here.

it's only fair, however, to alert you.

so if you care, it's Harry Potter. prompt is 'pick your poison- er, pairing, and throw in a couple of talking frogs' and I chose Ron and Hermione.

posted under 'This is Hannah's fault.'

done plaguing you now.


	3. All sorts of unattractive

Hello! it is I, Stephanie, who happens to have the third installment of this ongoing nonsense ready and waiting.

however, you deserve a fair warning.

I had a bad case of writer's block.

I couldn't decide what to do, nothing seemed quite good enough, and I ended up waiting until the last minute to write it. (that's why it's 9:00 on saturday night that I post this.)

so here's what I ended up doing- begging shashuko the paisley maiden to give me an idea as to what to write for the prompt 'all sorts of unattractive (yes, that's it)'. and here's what I got from her: 'well, Kakuzu's ugly, you could write about him.'

and so that's what I started with, and then I just let my brain go and typed whatever came. which means you're in for more nonsense in 550 words or so than you've ever experienced in a week. I swear there's not a singly sentance in there that isn't rather silly. here, I'll go check. wait, I found one... ok. well, most of them are very silly.

but I'll let you find that out for yourself.

--------yhsmsof-yhsmsof-yhsmsof-yhsmsof-yhsmsof-yhsmsof-yhsmsof (which stands for something, but I don't feel like telling you what.)-----------

"Haha, Kakuzu, you're ugly."

"Your mom is ugly."

"Haha, Kakuzu, you use horrible jokes."

"Your mom uses horribly jokes.

"Haha, Kakuzu, your jokes are ugly."

"I can make your face ugly too." He took out a generic sharp object menacingly.

Hidan laughed loudly, and brandished his pointy thing. "Your measly sharp object is nothing compared to my pointy thing!"

"Your mom is nothing compared to my sharp object!"

"Will you two _shut up_!"

"No!" was the simultaneous, and rather loud, reply.

"Just give up, Deidara," Sasori muttered darkly, from his corner of darkness, where he was knitting in a dark fashion. "They wouldn't be quiet even if we duck taped their mouths shut."

"That's a good idea, do you have any-"

"Wait!" Hidan interrupted loudly. "Since when is Sasori so dark?"

Sasori shot him a dark glare. "I can be dark if I want to," he said darkly.

"Yeah," Hidan said loudly. "But it's ugly."

Sasori shrank darkly into the shadows. "My darkness is to cool to reply to that."

"Your mom is too cool to reply to that!" Kakuzu said loudly.

"Why are we overusing adverbs, here?" Deidara said.

"Why not?" Sasori replied darkly, raising a dark eyebrow.

"Yeah, it's not a crime!" Said Hidan loudly.

"But it's ugly."

Hidan turned to Kakuzu to exchange a bemused look, but Kakuzu had gone ahead and said loudly, "Your mom is ugly!"

"She's not that ugly, I've seen her," Sasori replied darkly.

"What, you met his mom?" still loud.

"No, I saw her." Still dark.

"And you thought she was pretty?" Louder.

"No, I just didn't think she was ugly." Darker.

"Why is Sasori so dark today?" Deidara said. "All it's doing is confusing the readers. And the authoress, come to think of it. (And why is he knitting?)"

"And why is Kakuzu so damn LOUD?" Hidan yelled, loudly.

"Your face is loud!" Kakuzu yelled back, loudly.

"Shut up," Hissed Sasori darkly, with a dramatically dark clink of his dark knitting needles.

"I want an adverb," Declared Deidara annoyingly.

"Stop being so annoying, it's ugly," Hidan said loudly.

"Annoying? What?" Deidara shouted annoyingly. "I'm don't want to be annoying! That's a bad adverb, I want another one!"

"Tough cookies, it's up to the authoress, isn't it?" Sasori told him darkly. "And you are kind of annoying."

"I am not!" Deidara said annoyingly. "Wait! Stop that! Stop putting 'annoying' after my name! I want to be suave!"

"Suave??" Kakuzu laughed loudly. "No way!"

"I can too be suave!" Deidara stamped his foot annoyingly. "If the damn authoress would just-"

Sasori glared at him darkly. "Stop being so annoying," he said, with darkness.

"Suave!" Deidara yelled 'suavely'. "Suave! See? I can be suave!" then he crossed his arms annoyingly.

"Ha." Hidan said loudly. "You are annoying."

"Your mom is annoying!" Kakuzu added loudly.

"Yeah, well your mom is ugly!" Deidara spat back annoyingly, being so annoyingly annoyed that he annoyingly lost his reason and started yelling Kakuzu's annoy- loud insults back at him. but he didn't yell it loudly, he yelled it annoyingly. Or maybe he yelled it 'suavely', but it was still a bit annoying.

"You know what?" Hidan said, rather loudly. "THIS WHOLE FANFICTION IS UGLY!"

-------------not dead but definitely dying. not dead but definitely dying. not dead but definitely dying. not dead but definitely dying.----------------

lyrics are from Jack Johnson's rodeo clowns.

and now you know- yes, it's very silly. I don't know why any of that is going on. I honestly can't figure out what the hell was running through my head when I decided Sasori was knitting. he just was, I suppose.

anyways. next week will be fun, it includes Luna Lovegood and pair of abnormally large earrings... (Apologies again for those of you that don't read harry potter. Luna will probably be ducking in and out of the Naruto bits because I support the pairing of her and Itachi... yes, that Itachi.) don't worry, the setting and most of the characters will still probably be Naruto.

I can has review?


	4. Luna is wearing a pair of large earrings

hello! Today's prompt iiiis: 'Luna is wearing a pair of extremely large earrings'.

I apologize for submitting this a day late. Technically, it is no longer the week when this fanfiction was due.

oh, yes, and also for the fact that I decided not to give it a plot afterall. it's just a bit of dialogue, hopefully funny.

It's Lunitachi, which is the pairing of Itachi Uchiha and Luna Lovegood. if you don't like it, you obviously have never heard of it before.

there's Sasodei, if you look really, really closely.

anyways. disclaimer I own nothing, and on with the show.

sajgntjghancgengtuewgtmskgamgmajkdfhsdghhhhhkejsssuwbhk;JCNFAEGHF

Itachi stared into the space ahead of him, not really seeing anything. Because it was Monday. And nobody likes Mondays.

Especially Uchihas, who don't really seem to like anything.

Anyways, it was Monday, and Itachi was staring into space.

Hidan was on the other side of the room, chucking balled up pieces of paper at him.

"Oi! Itaaaachi!"

No reaction.

"Itachi, your hair is on fire!"

No reaction.

"Itachi, Deidara's doing the Macarena!"

No reaction.

"I am not!"

"Shut up, Deidara, no one loves you."

"My mom loves me!"

Sasori made a little cough, but otherwise stayed clear of the conversation.

"Your mom-" Kakuzu began, but then stopped, befuddled by the fact that Deidara had beaten him to the insult.  
Itachi just stared into space.

"Itachi!" Hidan yelled again. "There's a B-"

"Getting Itachi's attention," Deidara said. "You're doing it wrong."

"You do it, then, if you're so clever." Hidan snarled.

Deidara rolled up the sleeves of his cloak. "Hey! Itachi!" he shouted. "Hidan's gonna rape Luna!"

Within the next half a second, there was something sharp embedded in Hidan's forehead. "What the- F—K, DEIDARA, THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?" he yelled (loudly xD)

"Well, I wasn't gonna tell him it was _me_, was I?"

"You could have just said _nothing_!"

"That would have been about a thirtieth as funny."

Hidan ripped the pointy object from his forehead and chucked the bloody knife at Deidara. "Thirtieth this!"

Deidara ducked away from the knife, and proceeded to badger Hidan about his poor comeback. Meanwhile, Itachi had satisfied himself that no one would be raping Luna anytime soon (sans himself x3. But you can't rape the willing.) and gone back to staring into space.

That didn't last long, however, as a bright light, not unlike those which flash momentarily off large shiny objects, temporarily blinded him.

He blinked.

It took a short time to find the source of this light, because Luna was standing in the door. Now, wouldn't that have been beautiful if it were metaphorical? But as it is, it's quite literal, as Luna was wearing a pair of extremely large, rather reflective earrings. They looked really heavy.

"Luna, what are you wearing," Itachi asked her, with the reproving tone of someone who is having trouble being angry but finds it impossible not to be skeptical.

Luna looked down at her bottle blue cloak, and opened her mouth to say just that, but Itachi shook his head and indicated her earrings.

"Oh!" Luna nodded happily, her plate-sized earrings swinging along. "These! They're earrings."

"I know that."

"Daddy sent them, they ward off curmudgeonly Fizards. It's because of the gold, they can't stand it," she said, nodding.

"Luna, those are pure gold?"

"Yes, otherwise it wouldn't work, and the Fizard would eat my fingernails."

"Aren't they... heavy?" he asked, weighing them with his eyes.

"Of course not," Luna said simply. "I charmed them so they wouldn't be."

"Oh." Itachi took another moment to watch her overlarge ear-related ornaments, then said, "You probably shouldn't wear those."

"I can't do that," she said, quiet seriously. "The Fizards are everywhere."

Itachi may be the only one who can hold the sort of glance Luna gives after a statement like that.

"Yes," Itachi said, "I get that the Fizards will eat your toes or something. But-"

"Fingernails."

"That's not the point."

"The unpotable Fizards are the ones who eat toes. And they hibernate every Tuesday."

"Luna, you're wearing plates of pure gold in the caves of well known villains. Do you really think Kakuzu will hesitate to steal those?"

"Is he suffering from Fizards too?" Luna said, surprised. "I should lend him one." (Non, il prefere le souffre. xD)

"No, Luna, Kakuzu just likes gold."

"Right. I should shrink them."

And that she did.

Itachi blinked. "Why didn't you just shrunk them in the first place?" he asked, as she flipped the now button sized earrings.

"I don't know," Luna said. "But I think they looked rather dashing, don't you?"

Itachi evaded answering by bringing up the weather.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, an argument was still taking place.

"Blue!"

"Yellow!"

"Blue!"

"Yellow!"

"Swallow!"

"African or European?!"

"Wrong! It's a blue swallow!"

"That's stupid, there are no blue swallows!"

"Your mom is stupid!"

"Your mom is blue!"

"Your mom is... is..."

"You have no imagination!"

"FK YOU!"

"Money sign swear!" Kakuzu cut in. he was promptly ignored, and the bickering commenced. So, because he didn't like being ignored, he headed over to the only other conversation in the room.

"No, I think it's going to rain."

"Luna, there isn't a cloud in the sky."

"How do you know they won't come later?"

"I don't know that, it's just incredibly unlikely."

"Really? Because I think it's going to rain..."

"You also think fizards are going to eat your toes."

"They won't, either, because I'm wearing fizard repellent on my socks."

"I have no response to that."

"Hello..."

"Go away, Kakuzu."

Kakuzu sniffed in an affronted manner. "What did I do?"

"Last week you painted a mustache on my Tom Petty poster."

"What, you're still sore about that?"

"Hell yes! That thing was signed!"

"Well you should have had something less tempting signed."

"You have three seconds before I hurt you with a gurkengable."

"A what?"

"A German pickle fork."

"Oh... um... ok..." Kakuzu held up his hands in surrender. "I'm leaving..."

And contrary to your beliefs, he never even realized Luna was wearing earrings.

:D the lame end.

dadadadadadadadadadadadadaadadadadadadadadadadaadadada

german pickle fork as requested by Lumos Solaria.

Kudos to whoever can find my Sorcerer's stone reference... :3 Dianna doesn't count. I told her already.

aaaalright, folks, that was the fanfiction of the week. short and rather pointless as it was, I hope you enjoyed it.

drop me a line, tell me what you thought, and have a nice day.

pickle fork... hee hee.


	5. Hidan, generic female, and as lovers go

Hi thar.

yup, I'm back. just when you thought you could escape me.

another Sunday post, I'm afraid. I finished this last night, but it was late and I was tired so I just went to bed.

a fair warning then, this starts light and continues to be so until about the end, when it becomes a bit more of a love story. hopefully that doesn't bother you all too much.

the prompt for this week was: 'Gasp! Write Hidan into a straight pairing using anybody, and the song 'as lovers go'.'

I decided on Ino. yes, it's Ino and Hidan. xD (slight change in maturity content, warning.)

I ended up quoting lyrics exactly, from Dashboard Confessional's 'as lovers go'. it's a really nice song, you should give it a listen.

and without further ado, I shall explain whatever else needs it at the end, I don't own anything, please go ahead and read.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Hey, Kakuzu."

"No. Shut up. Can we leave?"

"No way."

"Kisame could be messing up as we speak."

"Yeah, sure, and we could be scoring." Hidan motioned vaguely towards the corner of the bar they were sitting in, towards a busty blonde. "Check it out- she's hot."

The two weren't strictly on a mission. They had been sent by leader-san, yes, but it had only been to watch Kisame, who had been on a scouting mission.

And was known to screw things up nice and tight.

"Hidan, stop thinking about your sex drive... can we just go finish this and leave?"

"No, man, I like it here. Look, I think I am gonna take a crack at her, wait here..."

"Hidan!"

"Come on, what trouble could Kisame possibly get into?"

"What about the time he snagged the bald grocer instead of his target?"

"Fluke!"

"What about the time he snagged Luna?" (1)

"Even Itachi didn't catch that one until she was in the stupid hideout. What could we do? Lighten up. I'm gonna go hit on the blonde chick."

Kakuzu gave up. More because Hidan was already halfway across the bar than that he ran out of arguments. That idiot.

"Excuse me, miss?"

The blond turned her head, a look of incredulity on her face. "Yeah?"

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"

"Just walk away."

Hidan sat down next to her instead. "No, I like it here," he said. "There's a nice view."

The girl crossed her legs and arms in one motion, giving Hidan a 'get lost' sort of look. "Get lost." She said.

"Now, aren't we feisty."

"Aren't we _leaving_?"

"Oh," Hidan said, rather smugly. "I didn't know. Where'd you like to go?"

"I'd like to stay here, thank you very much. But I'd like you to go far away."

"You know, when you and I get old and your son or daughter comes up to me and says, 'daddy, how did you meet mommy?' I'm going to tell then how difficult you were being."

An exasperated snort and a flip of blond hair was the only response.

"So do I get your number, or what?"

"Or what."

"Then how about your name."

"It's not really your business."

Hidan gave her a pointed stare, grinning rather cheekily. She sighed.

"It's Ino, you hopeless beggar. Get back on the streets where you belong." With that, she stood up and left the bar, leaving Hidan stuck with her check.

Of course, Hidan just shoved it onto Kakuzu.

Kakuzu then shoved it onto Kisame, who had just walked in. (So this Kisame walks into a bar...)

"Hey," Kisame said. "Where were you guys?"

"We ditched you," Hidan said. "Kakuzu was all for it until I wanted to come here and spend money."

"Makes sense. I found the greatest park, though. Has a carousel and everything."

"A carousel?" (2)

"Yeah, like the things that spin with horses."

"...You rode a _carousel_?"

"Well... maybe..." Kisame busied himself with the check.

"How are we supposed to be intimidating if you were riding a plastic horse in circles? Did you do anything you were supposed to?"

"Oh."

"Oh? What does oh mean?"

"Um... can we... stay another day? I need to do some scouting stuff."

"Fine. You're paying."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Kisame got up really early the next morning. It wasn't his fault, he's been dreaming about man-eating crickets. And it's hard not to wake up when one of them throws a walrus-shaped eraser at your head. But anyways, he couldn't get back to sleep. The motel the three Akatsuki had bunked at that night had large windows, but no blinds, which was really a stupid combination, Kisame thought, as he blinked groggily in the early morning rays.

Oh well. Nothing to do about it now, he supposed. So he pulled himself out of bed, as mornings go, got dressed, brushed his ridiculous hair and pointy teeth, and sat down on the desk and stared at Kakuzu and Hidan.

They were still asleep. Kakuzu wasn't a late sleeper, but he wasn't an early bird, either. He got up on time. That was it. Hidan was both. He either woke up at the crack of dawn and could be found punching enthusiastic holes in the walls with a stapler or slept till noon or later, and when he finally woke up he would sit on the green pouf in Akatsuki lounge for half an hour before you could get more than 'F—k you!' out of him.

As he was still asleep, Kisame assumed he wasn't waking up anytime soon.

So he sat.

Then he shifted.

Then he doodled a robot on the little notepad on the desk.

He fidgeted,

He blinked.

(Wait, I take that back, fish don't blink.)

He finally just got up and left.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Hidan."

"F—k you!"

"Hidan."

"I need my f—king green puff, you f—king-"

"Hidan. Shut up."

"F—k you!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Half an hour later, Hidan looked around. "Wait, where's Kisame?"

"He left, if you had just stopped being so-"

"I'm aloud to be as- "

"Shut up, Hidan."

"F—k you!"

Kakuzu whacked him upside the head with a fish, causing another round of swears and retaliation by way of pointy thing.

Nothing was accomplished in the next half hour except the lampshade on the reading light was reduced to something resembling Hidan. (If he were particularly shredded-to-ribbons that day. Or wearing a false nose. Or hat. Hidan can resemble anything. (3))

"Well, you go get him."

"Hell no, I'm staying here all day."

"Do that and I'll tell Konan what really happened to her hairbrush."

"Do that and I'll tell Zetsu that you're scared of potatoes!" (4)

"I-I am not!"

"Potato!"

"Aaah- stop it!"

"Potato! Potato!!"

"Fine, goddamnit! Do what you want! I'm going out."

Hidan watched him until he was halfway to the door. "I'm going out too," he said, and Kakuzu opened his mouth to yell that wasn't he going to stay here all day, but decided it wasn't worth it, and went to find something that wasn't a potato.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hidan stood at the end of a small street, staring at a large plot of land- possibly about as big as three houses would have taken up. Except the only buildings there were... dead.

"THE F—K!" Hidan shouted to the crumbled white marble. "WHY ARE THERE GREEK RUINS IN KONOHA!" (5)

He stepped out into the midst of the timeworn temples, marveling incredulously at their structure. Now, he said to himself, wouldn't it be just a shame if someone were to come along and reduce these standing, rather out of place relics of the past into something unrecognizable?

An evil, rather Hidan-like grin spread across his face. He had taken out his pointy thing and was just about to massacre the first pillar when he was stopped.

If you didn't catch that, let me repeat.

Someone stopped Hidan from massacring something.

Yes.

This is monumental.

Anyhow, Hidan turned around. "What?"

"I said, stop destroying the ruins. What did they ever do to you?"

Hidan shrugged, flashing his teeth. "You're wearing lighter lip-gloss today."

"Well, I can't very well wear the same lip-gloss everyday. Besides, grapefruit compliments my complexion."

Hidan shook his head, coming over towards her and placing his hand on her shoulder. "Ino, baby," he said. "I can do that for you."

She shook him off. "Creep."

"Don't be like that."

"I barely know you. Stop acting like you've been courting me for weeks."

Hidan shrugged casually. "Alright, starting small. What's your sign?"

"What does that even mean, 'what's my sign?'"

Hidan shrugged again, grinning. "Cutting to the point, it means what are you doing tonight?"

"Avoiding you, thanks."

"Great, that's exactly what I was gonna do. Care to accompany me?"

"No."

"Short and to the point. I like that in a woman. Tell you what, meet me here tonight, and I'll show you a good time..."

Ino's fair cheeks colored, whether in anger or anticipation Hidan couldn't tell. But he thought it might be anger. Damn, she was hot.

He held up his hands in surrender. "All right, girl," he said. "I won't touch you." He leaned forward. "But I'll get awfully close."

Ino pushed his face away, Her glossy lips pursed. "Nice try."

Hidan stared at her a minute, and she stared back. "I can see you." Hidan said.

Ino raised a plucked eyebrow. (You know she plucks them.) "That is obvious."

"Great!" Hidan said. "Then I'll meet you here at 7. Don't be late." He started back towards the entrance to the misplaced Greek ruins, and Ino stuttered with indignation.

"What the hell!" she yelled after him. "You stalker, I wouldn't meet you here if you were the last man on earth!" which was probably a lie; Ino would meet anyone if they were the last man on earth. But Hidan just walked out of the ruins, yelling that he couldn't hear her and she could tell him tonight.

She stood there and cursed herself for not catching that stupid line before it bit her.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hidan spent the rest of the day (which wasn't much, he'd slept in really late) in a library, inking out random words in crucial places so as to frustrate those trying to find out what happens next. (Jerk.) He spent a good two hours with a copy of the half-blood prince, turning every mention of a horcrux into a blot, because that is particularly devious, and Akatsuki members are known to do rather contemptible or deplorable things.

At six thirty, he headed back towards the random Greek ruins, which he still didn't understand, but then again, since when did Hidan care about things he didn't get?

It was fifteen minutes early, but sitting on the cracked steps of a particularly magnificent memory was just the woman he'd hoped to find. He smiled at the warm triumph of it all.

He picked up his pace, until she lifted her head. It was long after she should have heard him coming, but he didn't let it trouble him, and instead filled himself with the idea that she'd dressed up for him.

She certainly looked as though she had. Aside from the expression of mingled regret and exasperation, her makeup was perfect; but her eyes, contrary to the last few times he'd seen her, looked like she'd barely touched them. Her hair was tucked up in a near bun. Her bangs were clipped off to the side, so the tips fell right behind her ears. And her outfit wasn't half bad.

"Hey there, sexy."

Seeing him looking at her miniskirt/tights combination, Ino flushed and stood up harshly. "I didn't do this for you," she said. "I just hate going out in public without looking right."

Hidan shrugged. "You look right to me."

She looked a bit suspicious at the compliment, but let it go. "Thank you." She said stiffly.

"So," Hidan said. "Are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"

Ino's blue eyes flashed. "If I wasn't, I'd have run away."

Hidan grinned at her, without noticing his grin's change in attitude. "Then," he said. "Let's be on our way."

Ten minutes of taut conversation later brought them to an outdoor café across the street from a park. (Yes, the one with the carousel.)

"Let's eat there." Ino pointed. Her fingers were manicured.

"S'up to you," Hidan replied, and he went as far as to pull her chair out for her when she sat down.

She ordered a salad, he, a French onion soup. (I don't know if Hidan likes French onion soup. I like French onion soup. So Hidan is eating French onion.)

"You like French onion soup?"

"Sucks to hell when it's cold."

Ino almost laughed, caught herself, and instead said, "That would be why it's served heated."

"You almost laughed."

Ino felt her cheeks stiffen, and was certain she was blushing again. "I did not."

"Well, you almost smiled. I saw your mouth twitch."

"Because you were being so stupid."

"No, you thought I was funny."

"No, I thought you were a git. Now I know you are."

"Ooooh, I've so been owned."

"Damn straight."

They argued on a little more, and as people tend to do when arguing, loosened up. The argument died into conversation, and Hidan found himself going out of his way to make her laugh. She had a nice laugh. (He caught himself thinking this once, and then wondered when he'd become so cliché.) By the time they were pushing back their chairs to stand up, it was dark out, and Ino's bangs had slipped enough from her carefully placed barrette that she'd just pulled them out. They now swung tastefully in front of her face, but they blocked her left eye.

After leaving the check (Hidan had had a fit of gallantry and insisted he pay.) they walked across the street and sat on a bench (a failbench (6)) that wasn't too far from the carousel. They could hear the dizzying woodwind music singing to the horses, which galloped hypnotically in a well-worn circle. The flashing lights assisted the effect, and the whole thing seemed rather surreal.

Hidan glanced over towards Ino. She was watching the carousel, the light reflected in her pale eyes. Well, one of them.

"Ino," Hidan said. She turned towards him.

"Yeah?"

"Do you usually keep your hair like that?"

She reached up to touch the loosening bun behind her head. "Like this?"

"No," Hidan said, reaching over to flip the ends of her bangs. "These."

"Oh," Ino said. "Well, yes. I haven't cut my bangs since I was little."

Hidan pushed her bangs behind her ear. "They hide your eyes," he told her. "And that, as pretty as you are, is a shame."

For a second, Ino gazed at him in a sort of wonder. But far to soon, she blinked and reverted her expression back to neutral. She sighed. "I've got to be honest."

Hidan watched her carefully.

"You're wasting your time if you're fishing around here."

For an instant, the carousel music became overwhelming.

Hidan swore a bit under his breath, having just figured something out that he hadn't quite counted on.

"You must be mistaken." Hidan told her. She kept her expression guarded, her eyes watching his. It felt like he was being interrogated. "I'm not fooling. This feeling is real."

Ino, to Hidan's displeasure, wasn't taking it. "You've gotta be crazy. What do you take me for, some kind of... of... easy mark?"

Hidan bored his eyes straight back into hers, as disbelieving as they were.

"You've got wits," she continued. "You've got looks, and passion.. But I swear, you have got me all wrong."

The carousel music stopped, leaving her words in Hidan's ears as plainly as if she were still speaking them. The brilliantly colored lights shut off.

He found himself protesting.

"I'll be true. I can be true," he said. "I can be useful. I'll be cavalier. I'll be... I'll be yours..." he could hear the plead in his voice, but he didn't stop. "I'll belong to you. Just let me..."

"Just let you what, get in my skirt?"

"No! No, I don't... it's not... it's not about that anymore, ok?" he broke eye contact. "It's not about sex, or whatever it was when I first saw you. It's not about that."

He couldn't see her anymore; he just stared straight ahead, at the carousel, which looked dark and abandoned without the merry lights.

"...Hidan?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you serious?"

Compared to the raised voices from a minute ago, she sounded very quiet.

"Yeah." He said. "I think I am."

Ino didn't say anything for a while. Upon a glance, he could see that she was watching the carousel as well, even though there was nothing much to see. It was shut down for the night. Everything sat very still.

"Hidan?"

His name again. He looked over at her this time; she was already looking at him. "Yeah?"

"Do you really like my eyes?"

Hidan grinned. It felt good. "Yeah," he said. "They're as good as the prettiest thing I've seen in a long time."

She reached a hand up to stroke her eyelid self-consciously. "It feels weird, though." She said. "I haven't gone without eye shadow for months. Maybe a year."

"You don't really need it," Hidan said. "They look perfect by themselves."

She looked a bit speechless. Hidan took her hand away from her cheek, where it had fallen, and kept it in his.

He said, "I've got to be honest. I've been waiting for you all of my life."

At this point, it isn't any use continuing my narration. This is the scene where the camera zooms away, leaving the two holding hands in the dark, just feeling comfortable. There's not a lot of talking. There's a bit of kissing, yes, but only the sweet sort that you'd never have believed Hidan capable of. And Kisame never did do his reconnaissance. But that's another story

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(1) In the first Lunitachi story I wrote, 'without a wand', Kisame was after some generic guy and instead managed to bag Luna. Itachi was furious.

(2) I once went to a park that had a carousel in it. it was really nice, community donated or something... fastest in the country, I think it said. it was pretty fast. very enjoyable.

(3) I was chatting with Hannah, and I asked her what a shredded lamp shade would resemble, and she said it would resemble Hidan. if he were wearing a false nose, and a hat, and then it went on to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (well, we did do that nose xD) but anyways. I got that form her, and couldn't resist adding it.

(4) I stole the kakuzu is scared of potatoes thing from a fun person on Deviantart. http : / x-aiko-chan-x .deviantart. com /art /Akatsuki -dummie -book -3-and-4 -79424838 (copy and paste into the URL, then get rid of spaces. it is much hilarious.)

(5) I... don't... know...

(6) the failbench is what happens when I write shikatema and decide the bench doesn't cast a shadow because it is a failbench. now my benches are rarely without fail. it's contagious.

yeeeeeeeap. xD

you really should listen to 'as lovers go'.

and there was another hidden HP reference.

and for now, I leave those of you who are familiar with deathnote and Harry potter with the notion of a crack pairing in the near future. (we're talking L and Tom Riddle.)

now, review. I COMMAND THEEEEEE


	6. another notice

sorry... I have no fanfiction for you this week... last week's took a week longer than I expected. (sorry, so sorry.)

it's Tom Riddle/L, and in 'this is hannah's fault'.

this message is to let you know that I actually did do something over the past two weeks.


	7. Rainstorm! take cover plz

Aaaaaaaaaaaah. -hides under pillow-

(disclaimer- I don't own. defense- aaaaaaaaah. apology for the long rain-related monologue in the beginning- eek.)

--

It wasn't raining this morning.

It had been drizzling, yes, but not hard. Just so that a dulling silence fell across the park. It was good weather for a pair of rain boots and an umbrella. Which was just what I had.

Now it was raining.

I stood under a tree at the edge of the park, umbrella held close as though the metal pole itself could keep the rain off, watching the puddles accumulate into lakes. My plan was to stay there until the rain stopped- I have nothing against rain, only the part where once I'm done having fun in the rain, it's cold and wet until I get home. And I had to walk home.

So I stood, hugging the umbrella.

A sharp rustling and a deafening rush of wind later, it became apparent that the weather didn't plan on clearing up. The tree was no longer offering the scant protection it's leaves provided, and the wind was pulling the rain under my umbrella.

Too fast. I angled my umbrella against the wind, and scurried from under the tree.

Down the street, the pitter-patter of my feet in the expanding puddles and the dull plunking of rain against my ineffective umbrella making up my soundtrack. Turn right here, and then keep on going.

A particularly violent burst of wind took my umbrella right out of my hand. A torrent of water hit my back. Apparently my umbrella had been somewhat effective after all. By the time I had my umbrella back in my hands, I was too soaked to need it, and folded it away so I couldn't betray me again.

I trudged onwards.

With each step, I felt colder, and the wind felted a little less bearable. What else to do, I stepped into the nearest shelter I could find.

And found it already occupied.

A garden shed, one of the old ones that you don't expect anyone actually uses, one that had been sitting by the side of the road as long as I could remember. It wasn't particularly pretty, nor was in particularly comfortable, but it looked dry, and if anything, out of the wind and battering rain.

Upon looking up from the study of my feet, and a glance noted that I wasn't the only one with a liking for dryer dwellings, I almost stopped to find somewhere else. But it only took a few more raindrops to make up my mind. And so I ducked into the shed.

Things were very... still... in the shed. Outside I could see the storm raging, and I could hear it, but it wasn't in the shed, and I was.

"Stephanie?"

I jumped, having not expected to be recognized. Come to think of it, I hadn't taken a decent look at the previous inhabitance of the shed.

"Gaara?"

"You're soaking wet."

"So're you." And so he was.

"That's true."

"I didn't expect to see you here," I said, and he shrugged.

"I didn't expect it to rain so hard."

"Me neither," I replied. The conversation paused to let in the drumming of the rain against the shed.

"Where were you going?" I asked.

"Nowhere in particular. I just wanted to be out of the house, it's Temari's 'time of the month'."

I grinned. "Ah, females, we're far too easily upset."

He muttered an agreement. Then sighed. "It's so cold."

"Generally what happens when it rains."

"The rain's ok. I just don't like being out in storms like this."

"Hence the shed?"

"Hence the shed."

The meaningless conversation stopped, and we stared out into the streaming air. I wondered how much longer it would rain. Not that I disliked Gaara's company, just that a lack of conversational topic can result in long, awkward silences.

And, as expected, Rachel ran by in a large electric blue raincoat and yelled about preventing gay babies through the downpour.

"That was weird," Came the comment from next to me, and I nodded.

"It was definitely weird." I grinned. He grinned back. And I don't remember who started it, but we were laughing. For some stupid reason, it was hilarious.

"It's... it's not going to stop raining, is it," I said through shortened breath. He shook his head.

"I really doubt it."

"Cold out there."

"It's cold in here, too."

I poked my head out of the wind shelter, and felt my hair whip into my face. "Well," I said, wiping the hair plastered to my cheeks out of my eyes. "We're already soaked. Want to go on a walk in the rain?"

He shrugged, still smiling. "Why not?"

We didn't go inside until our fingers were numb, and our shoulders shaking from the wind and rain. The storm kept raging outside, even though we were wrapped up in blankets with mugs of hot apple cider, drenched coats and puddle boots removed. It felt like it had been raining forever. Hard to believe it hadn't been raining this morning.

--

well, there you have it.

the prompt was 'you're trapped in a very, very strong rainstorm and have to take cover in a garden shed with Gaara'. not something I would generally object to.

I don't particularly like the writing in this one. it bothers me.

something you should know- every time there is an awkward silence, a gay baby is born. Rachel is a gay baby preventer, and runs by in awkward silences and yells 'GAY BABY PREVENTION!'. it's fun to insert randomly into fan fictions.

feel free to review. next week- the Akatsuki Olympics. includes synchronized sitting, and hippopoTAmoose wrangling. should be fun xD


	8. Go to LaserQuest with Gaara

"I don't want to."

"It's not scary."

"You can tell me that, but it won't help."

"Nothing in there can hurt you!"

"But it can scare me."

"How are you scared of Laser-tag?"

"I just am."

"Have you ever played?"

"No. I usually just stay out here."

"Then you can't possibly know if it's scary or not!"

"But it looks scary."

"It's not, really."

"I just don't want to go."

"I swear you'll be safe."

"I know I'll be safe, I know nothing can hurt me, but I'll still be scared!"

"I think you should go in."

"I…"

"Just stay close, and if something scares you, you can grab onto me. Ok?"

"But-"

"Will you please come?"

"You promise I can hold onto you?"

"You won't be scared."

"But if I am."

"I promise you can hold onto me."

"…Okay."

duckduckduckduckduckduckduckduckduckduckduckduckduckducksasukeduckduckduckduckduckduckduck

a late greeting to my friends and admirers. although I'd bet you're all my friends, there's very little to admire here.

anyways.

sorry I've been delayed and all, and I apologize, this is not the Akatsuki Olympics. this is the prompt for the week after this, which I wrote because I decided what I wanted to write and I was pleased that it was both functional and (very) short and could be jotted down and submitted to subdue you all.

the main idea behind this is that I somehow wound up at LaserQuest with Gaara, and this is actually a very probable rendition of how things would have gone down. (on my end, I have no right to assume what he'd do.)I used to be stubbornly scared of the unknown laser tag playground, and I received several of these attempts at making me go in. disclaimer- I totally own me. everything else? not mine. although a girl can wish.

(ps- I speak first. I just realized I did not clarify that. Sorry.)

I hope you liked it, even though it wasn't much. I had fun writing it. might continue someday, you never know. review, please, even though I can't exactly make you.


	9. the Akatsuki Olympics

Posted! hah!

wow, i've been getting off schedule. well, there's approximately one per week, I suppose, that'll have to be good. (you know, to the... like... two people that read this... xD)

anyways,

this IS the Akatsuki Olympics. remember how two chapters ago I said last chapter would be this one but last chapter wasn't? well, this one is. yeah. xD

disclaimer being that I own nothing except a few bits and pieces that are borrowed from my other work... the rest is either Kishimoto's or Hannah's, I steal stuff from her a lot.

--------------------------------------------

"And that," Pein announced, tired looking and splattered all over with what looked like either tomato sauce or beets, "Concludes the Annual-If-We-Remember Akatsuki Olympics."

Hidan raised his hand, which was coated in the same mystery substance Pein wore, and missing a finger besides.

"Yes, Hidan?"

"Can we do it again?"

"Next year, if we remember, yeah."

"No, I mean right now! I think I can beat Deidara at pickle-gluing this time-"

"You so could not!" Deidara interrupted, from the corner, where he had been picking gummy bears out of his tangled hair. "I beat you by five pickles, Hidan!"

"That was only four, the last one fell down!"

"Yeah, AFTER the ref. called game!"

"The ref.'s a fag, and you know it!"

(Deidara did know this, as the referee was Sasori, but he didn't say so.)

"Anyways," Hidan continued, "My patch of ceiling was more slippery than yours."

"Guys! Guys!" Pein yelled, flicking a red-ish clump at them. "Can you shut up? It's over-"

"At the very least do some freaky flashback thing," Hidan whined. "The readers have no clue what happened!"

"Neither does the authoress, she's making this up as she goes along," Pein informed him.

"Pish-posh, Who wants a rematch!" Kisame called from the ping pong table, where he held two paddles and one small, sticky ping-pong ball. "You pansies!" he added.

"Kisame, no one likes ping pong but you," Itachi said, somehow devoid of any red gunk or gummy bears. His hair was in pigtails, however. Luna was busy trying to take them out, although Kakuzu had tied them really tight.

"Hey, I like ping pong!" Hidan said loudly.

"Yeah, but you suck at ping pong," Itachi told him.

"At least I can beat Kisame,"

"Anyone can beat Kisame."

"Deidara didn't."

"That's because his hair was in his eyes from the tape-war-tag tournament. He couldn't see the stupid ball."

"He still lost."

"I beat you at pickle-gluing, though," Deidara said, and Hidan punched him in the nose. Deidara yanked his necklace and brought him skidding into the wall, and everyone pretty much ignored the following tussle.

"Where'd Zetsu go?" Kisame asked, looking for another ping-pong opponent.

Pein answered. "He left after Synchronized sitting, didn't you see?"

"No, I was playing ping-pong."

"Did you participate in anything else??"

"I did the watching-paint-dry-athon with Zetsu, which I thought was after Synchronized sitting-" (1)

"It was, wasn't it… but he definitely wasn't here when we were doing hippopoTAmoose wrangling…" (2)

"Yes he was, he tried to eat the hippopoTAmoose!"

"No, that wasn't him, that was-"

"Who the hell else could that have been?"

"I don't know, I saw Kakuzu kill and eat a rabbit the other day-"

"Eww, really?"

"Well, it was probably a rabbit."

"Kakuzu? Really?"

"I think."

"Maybe he should have done puppy-kicking."

"Remind me why we hold that event?"

"Because we're evil."

"Right."

"Puppy kicking?" Kakuzu walked up. "Who did puppy kicking this year?"

"It was going to be Hidan and Itachi, I believe."

"who won?"

"Dunno, we never found the puppies, we think Zetsu ate them."

"Unless it was you," Kisame said, poking Kakuzu.

"I don't eat puppies."

"Liar! It see it in your eyes!"

"You see nothing!"

"I SEE LIES!"

Pein snuck off to clean the beets/tomato sauce out of his hair. Deidara and Hidan were now badgering Sasori as to who really won the pickle-gluing contest, and he was standing by that Deidara won. Hidan then started accusing Deidara of sleeping with the referee, which they both denied hastily.

"Of course he slept with Sasori," Konan said, coming over to break up the fight. "But that's not the reason Deidara won the contest, Hidan, he won because you suck at gluing pickles to the ceiling."

"GLUE DOESN'T STICK TO PICKLES!" (3)

"That's not true!"

"You all FAIL!" Sasori dictated.

"I think this whole fanfiction is fail," said Kakuzu loudly.

Then the fanfiction ended.

"Oh no, you don't!" Hidan yelled, loudly. "You used that ending six chapters ago!"

"Wait, that was the drabble about-" Deidara broke off and groaned. Annoyingly.

Just then, a good twenty or so avocados rolled quickly through the room, making for the back door. Zetsu could be heard from the kitchen, yelling, "BE FREE, MY BRETHREN, BE FREE!"

"Well, we found Zetsu," Sighed Kisame to no one.

Deidara, however, having a particular affinity for avocados, dove after them. "CATCH THE AVOCADOS!" he shrieked. Un-suavely.

And _then_ the fanfiction ended.

------------------------------------------------

(1) this, apparently, has a story behind it, resulting in an event that goes thus: sitting on a couch, crossing and uncrossing legs, leaning, etc, at the same time as someone else. this was part of Hannah's prompt, and she known more about it than I do. but it is pretty hilarious.

(2) I have a friend with a Filipino accent, and he can't say hippopotomus right. I, on the other hand, can't spell it. anyways, he says it 'hippo-po-TA-moose', and it's completely awesome.

(3) I have yet to prove this.

yup.

that concludes the second most random chapter in this fan fiction.

next week, with any luck, won't be posted here, it's Harry Potter again- Sirius has to get a magical flu shot. Remus goes with him. la.

review now, yes?


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